The Daycare Conversation

We love you.

This has been a long time coming. I have been itching to write this post ever since I came across the discussion surrounding daycare, and the many opinions I encountered soon after. The working mother is judged and the stay at home mother is somehow also judged - both sitting at the receiving ends of fierce and tempestuous opinions by those assuming to have an understanding of their living realities. These people are often wrong and mothers often leave the table with a crippling sense of guilt & heavy hearts.

I think parenthood, as a universal experience, naturally draws out such contentious opinions. To a certain extent, most people have had some kind of encounter with childcare, be it through practice, familial exposure, or whatever constructed narrative they have socially consumed. I used to think childcare traditions, customs and by extension perceptions, were more or less culturally defined but I soon found out that even within Palestinian culture many varying, even conflicting, opinions exist. The topic of daycare is where I first observed a confluence of varying opinions, presented in heated, and at-times, painful statements. I soon realized that many people in society are carrying around strong opinions not only of what motherhood looks like, but also of how it practices itself. You see, embedded within the daycare conversation are deeper narratives on the transition into motherhood, Becoming A Mama, with social actors assuming power in this very personal transition.

Choosing Daycare

Arafat’s first birthday-

Daycare edition.

Beginnings tend to be rocky- an amalgamation of personal aspiration and forethought coming head-to-head with reality, and this beginning was no different. Sending Arafat to daycare was almost a none-issue for me, and while my return to work was quicker than I had wanted, I felt completely comfortable with the daycare we found being run by Miss Rula, a truly kind-hearted woman. I had watched my mother with deep admiration for years as she cared for us, built her career, and sent us to daycare. Its funny but for years I did not know there was any other option. My mother was a working mom, and all of my friends’ mothers at the time were also working, so for me this arrangement worked. 

I still remember Arafat’s first day in daycare: it was a cold January day and he was decked out in his blue faux-fur onesie. He stayed for about 4 hours on that first day and for the first two weeks since, but as we started seeing him acclimate to the daycare, he started staying longer. 

The first few weeks were fraught with stress and anxiety on my part. I would text Miss Rula constantly asking for updates, but each pick-up put me more and more at ease. Arafat slowly grew up in that daycare and as I watched his interactions with other kids slowly mature I was comforted, and with him being a child unhinged to expressing himself I was certain I would know if he ever does not want to go.

Confused Mama? Daycare to the rescue! 

When I think back to the early days of motherhood, I am almost always shocked by ability to navigate truly turbulent times. I was living day-to-day, trying to attend to a new baby’s many needs and learning as much as I can. It was a complete mess, truly, and coupled with an emotionally frazzled Razan whose body was still recovering from birth, I had very little capacity left for things such as: putting him on a schedule. Living day-to-day was not ideal, and like most people with experience will tell you, putting your baby on a schedule early on will give you huge relief. I had read a lot about putting a baby on a schedule but I just did not have in me- the planning, the discipline, the self-awareness, perhaps… it was too much, so I just did not bother. 

A few weeks after Arafat had started going to daycare, I was shocked to suddenly find his sleep regulated. Somehow, he was on a schedule! He would return home at 4 PM, take an hour nap around 5:30, and then by 11 PM it is lights out. Sending Arafat to daycare created a more structured routine in his life & I proceeded to adopt that routine and adjust our home-life to it. It was a true godsend and one of the reasons I will forever be grateful for daycare.  

Today, almost a year after being in daycare, Arafat’s day schedule is completely set with his daycare, and even if at times his home schedule is chaotic, he returns to his routine every morning. This is very important. Schedules give children a predictable day allowing them to feel safe, secure and more comfortable in their environment. This happens as they slowly learn what is happening, and what is coming next. As children develop routines around familial circles, they also begin to develop secure relationships with the people they interact with giving them a sense of belonging  and by extension self-confidence. 

Daycare and the amazing women running it have been one of the most important sources of support for me throughout my motherhood journey. Insights they shared from their own childcare experience continue to benefit me greatly as these Mamas not only have insights into their own personal experiences and family’s childrearing traditions, but they have also crossed paths with many other traditions as well, and in the absence of familial power-dynamics, our conversations on childcare tend to have more give-and-take allowing me to freely express myself as well as have the space to choose what advice to follow and what to forgo.

Daycare, 12 months-in

Today, daycare is important for other reasons. It is the primary space of socialization for Arafat, which is lacking otherwise as our families do not have many children his age to play with. We noticed early on that Arafat was a social-butterfly, and while this might partly be due to his Leo blood, I cannot help but think that daycare socialization continues to play a huge role in his comfort around others, as well as his ability to stand for himself around older children. Truly! I saw this firsthand when Arafat was once playing with a family friend’s toddler, who is about 5 months older-than him, as the kid was waving his arm to (non-violently) strike Arafat, my little prince simply held the kids wrist midair. And that was that. 

Aside from benefits concerning Arafat directly, Daycare has also allowed me to have more time for Razan. On days when I want to run a quick errand, or have housework to do, I can drop him off at daycare for a few hours, finish my tasks and bring him home to a happy and relaxed Mama. Like I said on my first post, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and daycare has allowed me to keep mine filled. Being away from Arafat during those day hours has not eased with time, in fact I find myself missing him more and more during the day now that he has blossomed into a prince. I make up for this with a lot of play at home, as well as with continued co-sleeping & breastfeeding which allows us to maintain intimacy. 

Matrescence, contested

I pause here & wonder- should I give space in my post for the argument against daycare? Should I share the many hurtful comments tossed at me for sending my kid to daycare? Should I tell you how someone once referred to my going to work as: “it’s good, it will entertain you”? Perhaps I should tell you of the tone I hear whenever Arafat gets sick and people are circling around saying that ‘daycare made him sick’. I notice, but I never engage and so I will not do so here.

This conversation is not about daycare & it never was. Embedded within is a much deeper narrative on the manner in which society allows women to make the transition into motherhood, to become a Mama. A seemingly personal decision is suddenly fraught with opinions by social actors saying: “this is what a Mama looks like, this is the space she occupies, and this is how she practices her motherhood”. While I was initially burdened by these thoughts for month-on-end, today I write this at peace knowing that the right answer lies in posing the question on oneself, in reading & learning from other so you can follow your own path. I do not believe there is one right way to raise a child, if there was one humanity would have gone extinct a long time ago. Trying to find a right answer is a fruitless endeavor, what is right for you is most probably not right for another Mama and that is okay. For us new Mamas, the quest to seek an answer is the answer in and of itself: it is us demonstrating the love we are learning to give, and I know that our children will grow up and see love dotted around all of our choices.